Tuesday, February 1, 2011

pizza and French fries

I have recently discovered the two most hateful phrases in the world.

The only way I can explain what I did, is by stating the obvious,  I am stupid and easily influenced. They also dangled something shiny in front of my face and used phrases like "hot chocolate, chair lift (that's a carnival ride right?), and cozy lounge".

I went to the mouth of hell (It's a lie that hell is hot; It's not, it's -14 degrees with 25 mile an hour winds, and I live with in 20 minutes of it.), and once there, scared, vulnerable and alone, people I didn't even know started yelling those hateful phrases at me.

They yelled at me when I went by, they yelled at me when I fell, they yelled at me when I stood up, they yelled when I fell again. Even a close friend, even my own sister, my flesh and blood would yell those two things at me "PIZZA AND FRENCH FRIES!!! PIZZA AND FRENCH FRIES!!!"

No, I was not hungry or taking orders, no it was not a comment on my weight (I think). It was the only advice anyone could give me on how to ski. For two hours these were the only words  I heard from any living soul's mouth, at one point when I fell and had a brief encounter with the bright light, I swear a colonial ancestor came to me, glowing and surrounded by swirling effervescent mist to whisper the meaning of life in my ear "pizza and french fries, mein Kind" . 

How can food imagery make me more balanced, make that elusive coordination that has hidden way from me my whole life, make it suddenly and miraculously appear? It's like some druid's chant that has been kept in the collective consciousness for thousands of years, that should unlock the mysteries of life for those able to unlock it's deep encrypted meaning. THOSE WORDS DO NOT HELP, they only exist to make the coordinated elite feel superior, like patronizingly benevolent gods. QUIT IT. 

WHAT sadistic bastard took two of the worlds most beautiful and comforting things and turned them into an evil and destructive idiom. I am forever scarred, I am haunted by nightmares of pizza and french fries that are trying to skin me like a Dexter character.

I will never be able to enjoy a comforting bite of my familiar friends without the cold chill of fear racing down my back. The cities of New York and Chicago have lost their appeal, their luster has been lost, their shine tarnished, a place of snow scraped backs and fear. 

France is place full of bruises, where little children look confused as the wizz by you, doing jumps and flips. Parents quickly shielding their children from your disgrace, lest your failure should some how taint their brilliant X game futures. 

Please, please for all that is good and decent and holy in the world stop using these phrases. Please try instead something from the following list ( please feel free to come up with your own terminology) :
  •  "parallel and acute!" everyone hates math anyways. 
  •  " carrot sticks and brussel sprouts!" while not visually helpful, not going to ruin the world's love of brussel sprouts, it's reputation is already mud.  
  • "Liberal and Conservative" some of the fights would be an interesting distraction for the other skiers while you try to stand up while attached to mutant Popsicles sticks.
  • "Drama major and Economics major!" They're use to illogical jokes about their degrees.
  • "Align vertically ( I I ) and carrot (>)!" May only be useful for English majors, teachers, and editors, but grammar already sucks hard. 


  1. Oh, Paige. You need an editor.

  2. And more than 10 editors.

  3. it was perfect lmao

  4. i like what anonymous had to say last!!!!!!11 THANKS!

  5. and no, I didn't lift my finger off the shift key to early, I mean that many exclamation points times 11