Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Performance Interview

Myself(Boss): I suppose you know why I called you in here.

Me(Employee): Because I'm an existentialist so it's not weird at all that I'm talking to myself.

Myself: This is no time to get cute (STUPID OLD NAVY commercial), your performance as of late has been lack luster to say the least, disappointing, unfunny, unimaginative, irregular, and late to say the most.

Me:  Does that mean you can now only make sentences between 2 and 5 words now?

Myself: If you do not take this seriously, you will force us to find a replacement, and that's not going to be easy as a change in personality is usually brought on by a psychotic break or the use of chemical alternatives (Booze, drugs, excessive amounts of sugar), and both are hard to arrange so close to the holidays (Mashramani-Republic Day?).

Me: Yes, ma'am

Myself: Good, now let's start at the beginning, why did you start a blog?

Me: To make money at a job where I didn't have to wear pants, get off the couch, or feel weird for eating a whole bag of chips for lunch. Also, I couldn't find a job, with or without pants, so I decided to make one (I've never been on an interview pantless).

Myself: We feel (how many personalities do I have, and how many are talking about me behind my back?!) that lately you have been unhappy in your work, based on the quality of your work. Your piece on Old Navy? Very uninspired, did you let a cat walk on your keyboard, add some punctuation and call it a post? 

Me:Um, no, I've had a lot of school work and you know the economy, interest rate fluctuation and the housing bubble. Bird flu (has not been a relevant reference in like 8 years)  and um global warming, I also had a hang nail, which is very hard for typing.

Myself: Angry look, not at all impressed with the concrete evidence I have presented.

Me: I also think I may have developed Lupus.

Myself: Hans Christian Anderson was dislyexic. Lord Byron had Epilpsey

Me: Lord Byron had opium.

Myself:  Do you have dyslexia or opium?

Me:Not as diagnosed by a licensed doctor. 

Myself: Henry Winkler is dyslexic and look at his fine body of work.


Myself: Please note that we have already added several other categories to your blog and have been making arrangements for "guest writers", nothing is permanent yet, but we are looking to bring some fresh new ideas to the table. Bring back some the readers you've lost.

Me: You can't do that! I AM random. This was my idea?

Myself: Was it really?

Me: UM YES, you try to take me off this and I'll get on anti-schizophrenic medicine!

Myself: You're not schizophrenic, you're dreaming, you've just been feeling guilty about your inability to communicate and your lack luster revenue stream. Also, you ate pepperoni before bed and finsihed that really distrubing book for Modern British Literature, hence the Lord Byron reference. Didn't you notice the giant floating pink elephant?

Me:Yeah, but I'm usually the cause of the Elephant so I didn't want to point it out (Bada bing!).

Myself: Also, tell hello to John Krasinski on your way out.

Me: I thought I recognized your receptionist.

And now I've woken up. Hope it's not to weird for everyone.

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