Thursday, April 14, 2011

sketchy gas station/laundry mat

You know how every town has that place you "just don't go to". Well, there are a lot of those in my town, but they're usually down a dirt road, up a mountain and over a creek, so it's really not an issue. Unless you go to the robbery express laundry mat and gas station.

 "Fill up and be held up, while your delicates are fluffing".

I almost NEVER go there, but they're the only place open after like 8 o'clock and when you need undies you need undies. And my boyfriend needed boxers. So I went with him to keep him safe. He doesn't know that's why I went but it is, I can judo-chop evil-doers with my new pregnancy arms!

 As soon as we got there, a white kidnapper van full of sketchy men is just sitting there, and they're all staring into the laundry mat, sketchily. I don't want to get out of the car, but Capitan Commando, marched right in, like he didn't even see them, sitting there, plotting. So I follow, boyfriend (NOT staying in the car by myself) covering his flank (I just watched "green zone" with Matt Damon "LIKE").

While he's looking for quarters and starting the laundry I find a check for $2000 lying on top of one the machines. My first thought? "What kind of drug dealer/pimp/smuggler pays for his goods with a check?" It ended up being a check from a construction company to a tool company. That was a legit transaction so I called the number on the check to let the company know, they had a loose $2000 check floating around in a laundry mat.  When I got on my phone, the sketchy kidnapper van guys, who had gotten out of the van, hurriedly got back in and screeched out of the parking lot, guns blazing (there were no guns, that I saw).

Then I start thinking, o crap, maybe it's a money laundering scam ( I AM in a laundry mat), and I've just stumbled into it, the guys in the van are waiting for their contact to come get the check. And I just screwed it up. They're gonna come after me and my unborn child!

Couple minutes pass with no activity, and then a beat up car pulls up slowly and turns off it's lights while leaving the engine running, maybe this was the contact kidnapper van guys were waiting on. I sit quietly and don't think about checks.  The men in the car (what am I, the only female left on the planet? Where are all the other women?) get out one at a time to get change for their five dollar bills (they were OBVIOUSLY casing us, but my big baby belly and he-man arms scared them away. Also, my boyfriend looks like he can snap most people by looking at them).

After I scared the beat up, chop-shop car guys away , it got quite. TOO quite, like the calm before the storm. If this had been a horror movie, the music would have changed and swelled and gotten all screechy. Captain Commando, choose this moment to leave me alone, in the house of horrors, so he could walk next door to the gas station and get change to dry his clothes. I begged him to leave them, offered to make him a makeshift clothes line in the apartment, but he went anyway. First rule of horror movies, as soon as up split up and look in the half open door, you die.

So what happened? I died. I didn't, I just sat there quietly, watching all exits, trying to look intimidating, while the non-electric doors kept OPENING AND CLOSING ON THEIR own.

All that time I thought I had to watch out for murders and robbers, when really I needed to be preparing for a possible exorcism. So, I start fastening crosses out of pens and pencils in my purse, looking for a priest and water for him to bless, and staying away from anything that could be used as a human sacrificial table. Then I wonder if the humming noises I thought were coming from the dryer sounded all that mechanical anymore. They started sounding more maniacal and menacing. Had a previous money laundering scheme gone sour here, and the deceased gangster was looking for a fresh load of revenge?

And this THIS, boyfriend, is why I don't watch horror movies with you. I watched "The Last Exorcism" with you two weeks ago and "The Bad Seed"  5 days ago and now I can't leave the house without seeing evil everywhere. I WILL NOT watch paranormal activity with you unless you want me to start standing over you in the middle of the night with a cross waiting for you to go all evil and dangerous on me. 


  1. Also see anti-sleeping aids, as to why some people can't watch scary movies.

  2. And yet, you watched anyway.

    And Captain Commando is quite scary if you don't know him.

  3. lol so did they come and get the check?

  4. I don't know, I haven't seen any missing persons reports in the newspaper, but if this was mafia related, they have a way of making these things disappear.