Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Things I learned this weekend

DO NOT allow yourself to be photographed pregnant at a wedding. Everyone will have their hair and makeup done, be dressed to the nines, fresh off a 10 day fast, and you will have sweated off your makeup, lost control of your hair, and swelled out of your dress.

Moving while pregnant will be poignant and sad. You've spent a lot of time in that previous place, decorating it, cleaning it, making memories and it will all be packed up in a matter of hours and it will already look like someone else's place before you've even turned in the key. Yes the next place will be your babies first home and you'll be living with someone you love, but it cements in a very dramatic way that you are not your own anymore.

Wedding cake is always better than normal cake, already knew this, but pregnant while eating wedding cake is near nirvana. (especially when it's funfetti!)

There will always be that one decenting voice in birthing class and sometimes it will be you, the other women  may or may not appreciate this.

I have gained a lot of weight. Not owning a full length mirror is a really good way to avid discovering this. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

Things I did (will do) this week

1) dishes X a bazillion

2) watch all of True blood (I admit to not having the most sophisticated taste, but the show makes me laugh)

3) go to  (be in a wedding) YEA KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) have my face clawed off by a cat

5) feed said cat medicine through a medicinal dropper, continue to get face clawed off

6) suffocate boyfriend after discovering the best way for him to feel the baby kick is to press my stomach against his back (more surface area (is that a fat joke?), so his hand doesn't have to be in the right spot at the right time).

7) go to birthing class and admit I'm the only one who wants to use  drugs during delivery and am the only one not using(interested in using) a midwife or doula. I want drugs and I want a medical professional that has a MD and DR in their name.

8) cringe every two paragraphs while reading baby books because the writers feel the overwhelming need to compare pregnancy and infancy to "your" wedding and marriage (not married, no wedding, our choice). There has to be another way to explain it, get creative people.

9) blog a post about nothing so you have an answer when people ask "what did you do today?"

Friday, July 15, 2011

Texts from the Laundry Mat

Some days the Laundry Mat is full of turmoil and suspense, not a boring minute to be had, like from this post. However, sometimes, it gets really really boring, especially when you forget to bring a book. So in my boredom, as I do many times when I'm bored, I shared my misery via text. This time got creative and made the great masters of haiku regret their life choices.

At the laundry mat
my book is so far away
reduced to Haiku

My baby belly
Not so much full of new life
Full of  deadly gas

Bombard friends with junk
have unlimited texting
which sucks for my friends

Saturday, July 9, 2011

It's not so much the heat

For those of you that don't live in an area of the world where the standard greeting is: person A "Hot enough for ya?" Person B responds with: "Well, it's not so much the heat, it's humidity", let me give you an example of what an average 91 degree day is like.

It's like walking outside and being smothered with a wet blanket that's been in the dryer only half a cycle. It's not wet enough to be called "drenched" but you're drenched by the time you get back inside and shrug it off. It ways you down.

It's the opposite of a cold shower, air conditioning, and a ceiling fan on high.

It's a sauna with no walls, no escape, and less dry.

It's stupid.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Hey you,

Yeah I'm talkin to you, Shutterfly.

When I email your company a question about pricing, a very DETAILED question about pricing, don't just send me your freakin rate card. Respond with an actual typed response.  I can read, I can even look up the rate card on my own, the problem as I clearly stated (including the links that showed the discounted price listed on your page) was that you were advertising one price but trying to charge another.

A difference of 70 cents over the course of 50 items plus a shipping fee of $6 is a BIG difference and one I'm not comfortable paying (since there's a good chance that the difference will over draft my bank account). So when I contact you, again, about how that wasn't helpful, don't send me a pissy little email about how I'm not looking at the right page. I included the name, stock number, and a link to the page I am discussing, I even rechecked after your email to make sure something hadn't changed. IT didn't .

Having worked in sales and dealt with confused clients, I understand that it can be a LONG day when people send you questions because they're to lazy to look up the answers and you answer the same thing over and over and over again. However, sometimes, believe it or not people have legitimate concerns that need to be answered, and BOTH types of questions, any type of question EVER, deserves a well thought out and polite response.

So, take THAT.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My body is not a wonderland

It's apparently a jungle gym. The baby likes to use my ribs as monkey bars (or as a possible escape hatch, I thought he was going to break out last night when he was trying to get away from the fireworks), he uses my bladder a teeter totter (jumping from one side to other to be both the teeter and the totter), and he commanders my spine as a slide (which he likes to grip on the way down).

Don't worry, he doesn't ignore my other internal organs, they all get plenty of attention, I just couldn't think of any other good (or you know kind of works if you squint and title your head) examples of what he's doing in there. Being almost two feet or so at this point and around two pounds he's heavy enough to feel and big enough to see when he hits toward my belly (and not vital organs), he's small enough that he can perform all sorts of acrobatic feats of daring.

On an unrelated topic (like second cousin  once removed by marriage unrelated) has anyone noticed that at 4th of July celebrations (particularly public ones that involve fireworks) the number of rednecks in existence seems to increase by almost eleventy billion percent? Is it an optical illusion caused by all the grill fumes? Does the week long lead up of at home fireworks spook them out of hiding? Where do they all come from? I swear I usually only see two or three at a time, over the course of a couple days, but last night at the park (where my hometown has it's firework's display) they were out in droves. It was unsettling. Even Larry the Cable Guy would have taken a step back and gone "WAY to many mullets".

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Don't think about

Purple cows in tutus. Also "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine" is not playing in your head.

Happy 4th!!!!!