Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Phrases that irritate me


That doesn't even make sense. Why is your cash both hard and cold? Did you drop it in the sink and then accidentally put it in the freezer (keys/remote control/tooth brush, all acceptable things to find in the freezer. Cash? NO). I understand if cash is just cold. It could be a really cold day out side, that would make anything cold. You could have been at the beach and put your money in a zip lock bag in the cooler to make sure the roided up tide didn't take it out to sea. But why WHY is it hard!?

What are you a drug runner or a bank robber? Are you trying to hide your loot from the police in the chopped frozen onions and your half empty bag of pot stickers? Cause guess what, that just makes your money sticky and smelly. And do you have ANY IDEA how dirty money is, I was a bank teller for a couple of months and believe me, you would not BELIEVE the crevices people pull their money out of. BLLLAICK (I just shuddered and jerk around like there was something on me just thinking about it). 

Or is just that your money is jaded and emotionally unstable? Is that why it's so cold and hard? Has it seen to much in its lifetime and is it now unable to connect emotionally to other bills? I mean, I'm sure money sees a lot, but for an inanimate object to be so disturbed, it would have to be pretty messed up. Was this particular stack only ever used on the black market? Were people mean to it? Did it's mother not love it enough when it was young and still a coin? 

People always talk about "cold hard cash" as being a good thing. I'd be mad if someone handed me a bunch of frozen emotionally unstable money as payment for something. Really? REALLY? You friggin bonehead, go thaw your money, send it to therapy and bring it back. Jerk. 

I realize that was one phrase (singular) and not two phrases (plural hence the "es" at the end of the word) but I'm really distracted by my deep hatred of this phrase so I'll do another one later and make it part of a series (series-also a plural word), but in all reality, probably not. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

10 and 1 things a pregnant person should not do at the beach

(I say person, because we don't know how close evolution or medical science is to making men able to gestate, hopefully soon because you MEN should have to take a crack at it and see how fun it is)

  1. Kayak two hours down a canal to the ocean then turn around and kayak six hours back because you're going against the tide now under a full moon (FUN FACT: Full moons mean that the moon is closer to the earth and it's gravitational force is much MUCH MUCH FREAKING stronger so it's effects on the ocean's movement are much MUCH MUCH FREAKING stronger (as in tides will make you paddle for 30 minutes at top speed, making you think you've gone like, 1/2 a mile, when really you've been paddling in front of the same pink house and have drifted backwards a little ))
  2. Be attacked by sand fleas
  3. Think that chocolate teddy grahams are appropriate beach snacks and leave them unattended near boyfriend. 
  4. Be attacked by seagulls because your boyfriend found out that those spastic beady eye birds freak you the freak out and you will scream in a high-pitch girly cartoon voice every time one dives anywhere near your head, so he starts throwing chocolate teddy grahams near your feet.
  5. Throw Teddy Grahams in the ocean to get rid of them, the tide will wash them back in.
  6. Complain about how bad you look in a bathing suit, the only answer you get is an exasperated "YOU'RE PREGNANT", doesn't matter that the damage you're complaining about was done via cakes pre-baby. 
  7. Go anywhere without a bathroom, even if it's the car, you will give the driver of said car a heart attack when you start yelling with out warning that you need a bathroom RIGHT NOW. I don't care if it's just a bunch of sand and trees and there's no where to pull over, MAKE A BATHROOM APPEAR.
  8. Keep bringing up the kayaking trip and how you can't move your arms, then move your arms to hold your stomach because you remembered the time your boyfriend fell out of his kayak and it took half an hour to get him back in and you're laughing so hard your stomach hurts. 
  9. Come back from the beach and wright lists that are mostly run-on sentences and think that since it's a list it's okay to ramble because list are informal and not each one has to really be a gem or have a point in general other than to get you to a round number.
  10. Forget to rotate every once in a while, while out in the sun, you'll get sunburn/pale tan on only one side of your body and look like a comic book villain when combined with your oddly morphed body and thus scare small children.
  11. Have the balls to complain about any kind of vacation, especially a beach vacation that for 98% of it was awesome and a lot of fun. Then lock your keys in your car on your way back when your 15 minutes away from home.  

Monday, May 2, 2011

Is it spelled with an O or a U or are we talking about the wrong person all together?

I had an urge for a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's at about 10:45 last night. On my way back from a my deep fried mission I received a text from my sister that said  "Are you watching the news?". Of course I'm not watching the news, I just drove ten minutes to get $4 fast food in the middle of the night, I needed a break from watching a marathon session of "Two and a half men"(I think the half refers to Charlie Sheen, not the kid as I originally thought).

So, my sister calls me and it turns out that Osama is dead. Ok, WOW, honestly I had stopped thinking about him. I figured he was old, reportedly on dialysis with Kidney problems and would probably go quietly into the night anyways. But, I'm relieved he's not a person to worry about anymore.  Although now, with the video of his violent death, I am worried about him becoming a martyr and his death fueling an increase in attacks world wide, but probably mostly targeted at the US. I also that it might have been poor phrasing for Obama to say "america can do anything it puts it's mind to", I just see that going out in places to people that hate us anyways as "america can do anything it wants to".

In lighter news, Fox News has once again decided to show how unbiased it is creating it's own spelling the recently deceased. Every other news outlet is reporting that "O"sama Bin Laden is dead, while Fox News is Reporting "U"sama Bin Laden is dead. Is Usama Osama's Doppleganger(a doppleganger is your evil twin, someone that looks just like you except for one tiny difference, of course in this case Osama is Usama's doppleganger, because I would like to think that Osama would be the eviler of the two).

Of course it could be that they meant to spell it Obama instead of Osama, maybe it was a mistaken "S" for "b". They did report that "President Obama is dead" as a result of US forces. That report didn't seem to match up with the cheering crowds gather around the world. Anyways here are videos of the crowd ralying around the Chancellor at my college and one of the reporter announcing that the wrong person is dead, I think it'll be pretty clear which video is which.

Also, I would like to apology for the language, I don't know the poeple that posted this video (I got both from YouTube), so if you are affended by poor language just skip this next one. I do however like that it shows the sheer mass of people and the emotion of the moment. Most of us were somewhere between 4th and 8th grade when 9/11 happened and the World Trade Centers collapsed. I remember watching it in Ms. Coe's English Class.