Thursday, March 31, 2011

I'm really gonna try

I'm really gonna try not to be a mommy blogger. Not that I have anything against mommys and/or  the combination of mommies and bloggers, I read a few, but I'm not a mommy. I may be expecting but I don't wear mom jeans and I WILL have a life outside my uterus.

So in other news my partner is about to get hit in the face if he plays with my hair one more time or pokes me because he's ready to go to golden corral.

GOLDEN FREAKIN CORRAL. more late on my views of this place.

gah can you tell i was irritated. DONT POKE A PREGGO WHEN SHE's ANGRY- and i'm back to being a mommy blogger. 

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Prenatal Fitness class


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Pregnancy typos

I've always been told that pregnant women glow, that with all the hormones in their bodies and the knowledge that they're creating a life inside their bellies it causes women to beam with beautiful flawless skin and shiny silky hair not even a Loreal commercial can fake.

I think though, having done quite a bit of research lately, that people have simply been miss typing the word "glow", and this has lent credence to an urban legend about pregnant women and their fabulous outer appearance. What they really have meant to say is that pregnant women have this certain "glower".

There are a multitude of things I find distasteful and offensive as of late and these things will certain cause me to have an unmistakable GLOWER that cannot go unnoticed.

 I GLOWER at people drinking coffee (I do not GLOW at them, I give them the evil eye and hope they can't sleep tonight from caffeine over load).

 I GLOWER at other preggos that are more pregnant than me but still have a smaller waist measurement (CELINA).

I GLOWER at my jeans that I SWEAR fit yesterday but I can't button today.

I GLOWER at people that are not pregnant.

I GLOWER at people that look at me the wrong way (YES my face is broken out and I look like I have a rare skin disease and pre-baby my skin was  the only thing I could count on to look good and YES this shirt looks like a mu mu but you can't tell my pants are unzipped and I have to wear a beband with them).

In conclusion I GLOWER I don't GLOW and I'm going to start a "Glower Awareness Campaign" to stop the proliferation of  this stupid myth. 

Monday, March 28, 2011

The three month hangover

Surprise! You're an expectant.......reader? Oh. the wonderful world of pregnancy, I walk around in a glowing rose colored haze. Little woodland animals help me finish the household chores and a single sparrow softly warbles me awake me from my restful slumber each morning. I wake each day with a hand gently resting on my precious bundle of joy.

That's a crock of crap.It's more of a  three month hangover than a over referenced Disney troupe. When I can get out of bed, I keep one eye out for available thrash cans and the other shielded from the sun because it's to bright and that's proof the ozone layer is being eaten away.

Much like a hangover, I spend most of the day wrapped around the toilet pleading and begging. I SWEAR, that was the last time, I WILL NEVER EVER EVER do it again, just PLEASE make it stop.

When I make it from the toilet to bed, I spend half my time huddled in bed clinging to the sheets so I don't get thrown off into outer-space where there's nothing to get sick into. The other half I'm trying to plot my plan of attack to get back to the bathroom with as little bouncing and movement as possible.

 Silver lining- I've lost 13 pounds (this severe form of morning sickness is called Hypermesis, see this blogs fun and educational!), thank goodness I had the foresight to let myself go this winter.

Also, like a hangover when I do want to eat, all I can eat are things that formerly drunk people want. Bread and grease. Also, coke, but being with raisin (one month it said the baby was the size of a raisin and that whole month all I saw was a cinnamon raisin bagel in my belly, not a child) I cannot drink that beautiful elixir, nor the milk of life, coffee. All of it was taken from me, swiftly and what feels like permanently.

Bright lights and loud noises=bad.

Sleep only  happens after the black-out phase (blacked out from a combination of hunger, fatigue and SEVER annoyance at everyone and everything because NO ONE, NO ONE knows what I'm going through (I know BILLIONS of women do, but right now I just want to be wrong and cranky).

On the other hand, unlike a hangover:

People that went to bed a reasonable hour and didn't over indulge  feel bad for me and want to do things to make it better.

My partner spends most  of his day rubbing my back in between his flights to the kitchen to get me a glass of water or trying to find where I left my saltines.

I have a timeline that allows me to count down to the end of this current nightmare.

The hangover has a payoff- a beautiful child of my own.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Rules for riding public transit early in the morning when I'm at my most violent-part two

While I defend (and usually encourage) your right to eat whatever you want and eat as much as you feel is necessary, when your slobbering mastication is thrust in my face before I've been able to make a sentence containing more than three words, there is going to be a problem.

The bus does not come equipped with fold down tabletops and salt and pepper shakers because it is not your kitchen. Being that you get on and off the bus and do not sleep on it at night, I assume you do have a kitchen somewhere , a place to do your eating in private and at your leisure, please take advantage of that.

2) Eat only food that can be kept in your mouth, hidden from site, that does not contain pungent odors or a high likely hood of spillage. i.e- a BOWL OF CEREAL IS NOT BUS FOOD (so don't acted shocked and yell at the bus driver when it gets all over your blouse. It's a bus, which means it takes the same route every day, that sharp right turn is always there, it didn't pop up over night just to mess with your head).

2a)Please do not assemble food on the bus, have it ready( If you can't do this, grab something prepackaged). It makes people very panicky when you pull out a knife to  cut/skin your apple, or spread a bagel with cream cheese. Especially when you pull out the knife first.

      2bi) Please do not recruit my help in making your breakfast, I don't want to hold your bologna or let you      .use my lap as prep board. What is wrong with you?! If I wanted to make you breakfast I would bring it to you.

2b) Please do not eat foods on the bus that smell like feet or like it was made five weeks ago. Normally I like the smell of curry, but not curry that has sat in your shoe for a week.

2c) DO NOT try to get me to "take a taste" of your food. My parents told me to not take food from strangers as a child and some how that crazy bit of paranoia stuck with me. Go figure. Also, you will not convince that your breakfast compost that smells like old grease taste good. I don't care how "organic" and healthy it is. I'll just pop a vitamin, thank you very much.

Coming when I feel like typing some more: Rule3- personal space and you- when to close will make me blow the rape whistle. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

Rules for riding public transit early in the morning when I'm at my most violent-part one

1) DO NOT try to talk to me, if it's before 10 it is not a beautiful day and I will look at you like you're an idiot for pointing out the weather, I just stood in it for 10 minutes, I know what the weather is like. If you find it impossible to follow rule one, please see subsections 1a-1c.

1a) If you failed to follow rule number one, then please, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT is good, BRUSH YOUR TEETH. I'm already nauseous from the bus careening around winding mountain roads, I don't need your decayed opossum breath in my face (to my knowledge I've never met anyone that's admitted to eating possum, but it's early and your breath is making me gag, so you get what you get.)

1b) Not talking to me also means  please to yell  to your friend across the bus about your wild night last night.  Not to stereotype, but I saw you get on and could already tell that you were wasty faced last night and I don't need a play by play of your vom-quest where you threw up in no less than 8 places last night, since Boone (our town) only has five places to get drunk that your Keshia-wanna-be butt can afford,I can only assume you've recently found you have 3 less friends on facebook) . Also your blackout hook up, makes me want to take you to the clinic, not make you my friend.

1c) Yelling on a cell phone counts just like yelling at a friend, just because you are not addressing me does not mean that I cannot hear you, you are not wearing the cone of silence Ms. Money Penny, and the whole bus now knows what the weird fungus on your toe is doing (also, please wear close toed shoes in public, thank you).   

For more common sense ways to not get the evil eye, please stay tuned, same bat channel same bat time. 

Friday, March 11, 2011

Why is a dentist like a haridresser?

Me: Did you just curl your hair?

Sister: Yep

Me: Arn't you going to get your hair cut? Why would you spend an hour doing your hair?

Sister: It's like brushing you teeth before going to the dentist

Me: No, brushing you're hair before going to get it done, is like brushing your teeth for the dentist. Curling your hair is like capping your own teeth (I really said it's like doing a flouride rinse, but I like capping your own teeth better),

Sister: Walks off and tolls her eyes at my dissheveled bed head

Thursday, March 10, 2011

wow google, so your respsonse is "suck it"?

Thank you for your appeal. We appreciate the additional information you've
provided, as well as your continued interest in the AdSense program.
However, after thoroughly re-reviewing your account data and taking your
feedback into consideration, our specialists have confirmed that we're
unable to reinstate your AdSense account.
As a reminder, if you have any questions or concerns about your account,
the actions we've taken, or invalid activity in general, you can find more
information by visiting
The Google AdSense Team
Original Message Follows:

The information provided was the name of my web site and who had access to it.


EVERYONE, everyone has access to my site, it's public, you could figure that out if you even looked at it jack wipes. Also my "continued intrest" is to get the money I earned, and your "re-reviewing" is a lie, your site says you've never even looked at it, that's why I had to fill out a form about my site. Jack wipes.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

100 ways ( or like 17,a 100 would take a lot of effort) to fill your day without actually accomplishing anything

1) Turn the dryer to fluff( even though the clothes are already dried, taking them out and putting them away is a lot of effort, but if it's on fluff, it sounds like you're being productive without really moving forward.)

2) Google jobs in the area but dont apply for them because your resume is saved on a computer two hours away(of course when there are finally jobs listed, I don't have a resume to apply with)

3) Let the dog out to bark at the wind,

4) Let the dog in because it is scared of the wind

5) Let the dog out because it forgot it's scared of the wind

6) Repeat activites 3-5 500 more times

7) Apply to be on TV shows that invovle the winning or recieving of goods/cash

8) Text people with every golden nugget that pops in your mind, you're not busy, so they arn't either

9) Take a nap where you're kind of asleep but not really, so you "wake up" and don't feel anymore rested than when you layed down

10) Go to the bathroom every 30 minutes, worked in school works in life

11)Make a list that dosen't really have a reason for existing

12) Put list on site that is no longer making you money because Google is evil and is like the mafia, it takes it tribute rather you want to give it or not (I watched Goodfella's last night).

13) Stack the dishes by the Kitchen sink but don't actually get around to washing them, it would ruin all your efforts of filling your day without accomplishing anything.

14) Turn laundry back on fluff, you forgot it and it's not all warm and awesome anymore

15) See step 6 again

16) Harass people to see if they've read your lastest post

17) Eat a dinner consisting of Honey Buns and Sour Cream and Onion Chips

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Wow, great timing google

Logged on today to see how many hits I've had and guess what! With in 24 hours of making enough from google adsense to get a check cut I get a notice saying I won't be paid because I had invalid ad clicks. What makes it invalid? They can't and won't say, they just don't like it. Huh. 

Wow google, you just got over $100 of free advertising you suddenly don't have to pay for. How does it feel to have 100% free profit just because you feel like it. What are you, the East India Company? I have worked my ASS OFF to get my name out and I was doing it for less than $2.50 a post.  Now, it appears I was doing it to be taken advantage of.  Awesome, way to go, I have so much respect for your company now. I will for now and forever discourage the use of google adsense.

What did me in Google Adsense?

Is it because of the "Google Launch" joke, because really, way to be a bad sport. If you had just sad it hurt your feelings I would have taken you out for a cupcake and we could have hugged it out. 

Did my post on anti-sleeping aids give you nightmares? Because there are no monsters under your bed, you could have looked using google maps. 

Or was it corn car? Did it make you feel different because you're a multi million dollar conglomerate and therefor as a single being can not ride in a car and actually play corn car. Because I bet someone somewhere can make you a computer game where you could.

Really, I've always liked you google. We used to get along so well, you were always there to help me when arguments, figure out homework problems, and embarrassing medical conditions I didn't want to ask people about. 

I know you've taken over spell checker too, because all the uncapitalized google's have squiggly red lines, but capitalization denotes a certain amount of respect and I have no respect for you anymore google, so I will not capitalize it. Here are things I respect more than you and will continue to capitalize:

  • Hippies
  • Brussel Sprouts 
  • David Spade
  • David Hasselhoff
  • Mimes
  • Snooty waiters
  • Yes men
  • Wal-mart
  • McDonalds 

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Hippie Pollination Theory

There was a hippie on a unicycle on campus today so it's hard to focus on something else. IT WAS A HIPPIE ON A UNICYCLE.

I believe everything has it's place in the universe and serves an important purpose (except white chocolate, it's disgusting and not even real chocolate, it's a liar and a fake and it should not exist). I believe the purpose of the unwashed masses (hippies) is to bring pollen and spores from one season to the next. I think that's why they start disappearing in the fall and you don't see them again until spring.

The walk around with their un-shoed feet and collect layers and layers of germination to bring forward unto the next season. (It's also one of the reasons why I always wait until the hippies start popping up to really believe spring is on the way.)

Think about it they walk around all summer through the dirt and things being "one with nature" let it get caked everywhere, sleep all winter, wake up smoke a little pot, then go back in their caves, and come out in the rainy season when they get their feet wet and some of the seeds and what not start washing off. Give it a couple weeks a little sun and viola! SPRING!.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

first spider of the season

in my bathtub. You scared the pee out of me, good thing that's what I was in there for. 

Raves for

*****your blog reminds me what i miss about freshman year - your so eloquently conveyed sarcasm - makes me laugh out loud every time!- my freshman year roommate (I know things) via facebook******

*****That's not nice, you didn't really do that did you honey?-My mom via cell phone******

**an emotional roller coaster of the human spirit- not about me, but I think I've read it somewhere before and thought it was funny via my memory*******

****I read your post today- Next door neighbor after the 10 th time I'd interrupted him to see if he'd read it sense I'd been sitting next to him via dirty look*****

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Hibernating Hippies

O how I've missed the smell of the smell of dreads, the swish of multi-layered "thrift store(designer dresses made to look like thrift store finds for the low low price of $80 each) dresses". The sight of dirty feet wrapped around bongos and shirtless anemic looking boys working their way across tight ropes, unshaved girls letting their river washed locks clump in the air.  

It's that time of year, it means spring is around the corner, the pseudo Hippies are back. The hippies that have "Coexist", "Respect your mother (with a picture of the earth)", and the ever unique "Bob Marley" bumper sticker on their 2010 Jeep Cherokees and Lexus'. Living in a college town I believe (and I have to believe this or I don't think I could go on) the number of pseudo-hippies per capita may be at it's highest quota, or so I hope. 

I'm sure this unusually the large concentration of rich hips is rare outside a retired wall-street moguls commune. Because, really? How else can someone afford to "live off the grid", but to have succeed on the grid (communes and sustainable houses are expensive! I'm all for it if you can afford it, and I do the cheap at home do your part stuff, but I can't afford solar panels for my apartment or to buy all organic (which by the way has no regulated meaning)). 

Hippies are a lot more reliable than sparrows, blue jays, or Punxsutawney Phil(it took some creative Googling to spell that), they do have the most cutting edge and high tech weather reporting gear. So with that said, HAPPY SPRING!!!!! IT'S REALLY HERE!!!!!  

Tuesday, March 1, 2011