Friday, February 4, 2011

Anti-sleeping aids

Horror movie trailers should not be allowed to scare the bejesus out of me while I'm trying to fall asleep. It absolutely never fails, as soon as my eyelids finally start getting heavy, the TV goes black, then flashes of disturbing images start pulsating onto the screen.

Is something ticking?

Really? There are health warnings blaring from cigarette packages and in fine print on alcohol, but none on these commercials. You really want to make me sleep deprived, then have me drive a 3 ton vehicle through morning traffic, and then put me in contact with stupid people, after a long night of paranoia? It's sick what corporate America is doing to its citizens, why are the democrats and republicans not deadlocked in a battle over who can fix this travesty "better"?

I don't need images of an axe murder lurking outside my window, which I'm always sure is unlocked (but if I move to go check then he'll know I'm home and make his move). Or images of my roommate watching me from the closet, waiting to take over my identity and rip out my belly button ring (doesn't matter that I don't have a belly button ring, I'm sure one would just appear). And I am 97% sure there is a clown under my bed, waiting to take me out Poltergeist style. AND WHAT IS THAT TICKING NOISE?!?

At this point every nerve ending is alive and sensing evil all around me. How have I survived this long without something getting me?

The screeching violin music is swelling, that possessed priest is waiting for me to to give him his cue so he can come in and spit pea soup at me (by the way: what the fudge pea soup? who decided that was an acceptable meal? who goes around saying "you know what I'm in the mood for today? Slime, lets put some slime in a bowl and call it dinner."). All while a menacing shadow is slowly making its way around my room and, seriously, WHERE IS THAT TICKING COMING FROM?!?

Now I'm going to have to stay up watching infomercials about how hard it is to wipe my nose and that one with the old woman's George Forman where I can make thousands of tasty meals for two in 7 minutes. Also I learned that I can make $7000 a month from home just by buying a $39.95 book sold by a Bridgett Marquardt look-a-like.  Did something just move in the kitchen, is that where the ticking is?

So now, I'm down to about 4 hours of sleep left. This sleep is usually slightly nightmarish so that when I wake up in the morning, I feel like Rip Van Winkle.


  1. "Threw" = "through;" And plurals rarely have apostrophes.

  2. Hey! My name is Shelly, I was just checking out your blog! It's pretty great! Anyway, I followed you do you think you could do the same? My blog can be found at I actually found your blog on a comment on it was the one about Egypt. lol

  3. Sure Shelly, your site is really cute.