Wednesday, May 18, 2011

10 and 1 things a pregnant person should not do at the beach

(I say person, because we don't know how close evolution or medical science is to making men able to gestate, hopefully soon because you MEN should have to take a crack at it and see how fun it is)

  1. Kayak two hours down a canal to the ocean then turn around and kayak six hours back because you're going against the tide now under a full moon (FUN FACT: Full moons mean that the moon is closer to the earth and it's gravitational force is much MUCH MUCH FREAKING stronger so it's effects on the ocean's movement are much MUCH MUCH FREAKING stronger (as in tides will make you paddle for 30 minutes at top speed, making you think you've gone like, 1/2 a mile, when really you've been paddling in front of the same pink house and have drifted backwards a little ))
  2. Be attacked by sand fleas
  3. Think that chocolate teddy grahams are appropriate beach snacks and leave them unattended near boyfriend. 
  4. Be attacked by seagulls because your boyfriend found out that those spastic beady eye birds freak you the freak out and you will scream in a high-pitch girly cartoon voice every time one dives anywhere near your head, so he starts throwing chocolate teddy grahams near your feet.
  5. Throw Teddy Grahams in the ocean to get rid of them, the tide will wash them back in.
  6. Complain about how bad you look in a bathing suit, the only answer you get is an exasperated "YOU'RE PREGNANT", doesn't matter that the damage you're complaining about was done via cakes pre-baby. 
  7. Go anywhere without a bathroom, even if it's the car, you will give the driver of said car a heart attack when you start yelling with out warning that you need a bathroom RIGHT NOW. I don't care if it's just a bunch of sand and trees and there's no where to pull over, MAKE A BATHROOM APPEAR.
  8. Keep bringing up the kayaking trip and how you can't move your arms, then move your arms to hold your stomach because you remembered the time your boyfriend fell out of his kayak and it took half an hour to get him back in and you're laughing so hard your stomach hurts. 
  9. Come back from the beach and wright lists that are mostly run-on sentences and think that since it's a list it's okay to ramble because list are informal and not each one has to really be a gem or have a point in general other than to get you to a round number.
  10. Forget to rotate every once in a while, while out in the sun, you'll get sunburn/pale tan on only one side of your body and look like a comic book villain when combined with your oddly morphed body and thus scare small children.
  11. Have the balls to complain about any kind of vacation, especially a beach vacation that for 98% of it was awesome and a lot of fun. Then lock your keys in your car on your way back when your 15 minutes away from home.  


  1. Thanks for the tips! Except for that I'm not pregnant. BUt it was fun, and hilarious, anyway. :P