Monday, March 21, 2011

Rules for riding public transit early in the morning when I'm at my most violent-part two

While I defend (and usually encourage) your right to eat whatever you want and eat as much as you feel is necessary, when your slobbering mastication is thrust in my face before I've been able to make a sentence containing more than three words, there is going to be a problem.

The bus does not come equipped with fold down tabletops and salt and pepper shakers because it is not your kitchen. Being that you get on and off the bus and do not sleep on it at night, I assume you do have a kitchen somewhere , a place to do your eating in private and at your leisure, please take advantage of that.

2) Eat only food that can be kept in your mouth, hidden from site, that does not contain pungent odors or a high likely hood of spillage. i.e- a BOWL OF CEREAL IS NOT BUS FOOD (so don't acted shocked and yell at the bus driver when it gets all over your blouse. It's a bus, which means it takes the same route every day, that sharp right turn is always there, it didn't pop up over night just to mess with your head).

2a)Please do not assemble food on the bus, have it ready( If you can't do this, grab something prepackaged). It makes people very panicky when you pull out a knife to  cut/skin your apple, or spread a bagel with cream cheese. Especially when you pull out the knife first.

      2bi) Please do not recruit my help in making your breakfast, I don't want to hold your bologna or let you      .use my lap as prep board. What is wrong with you?! If I wanted to make you breakfast I would bring it to you.

2b) Please do not eat foods on the bus that smell like feet or like it was made five weeks ago. Normally I like the smell of curry, but not curry that has sat in your shoe for a week.

2c) DO NOT try to get me to "take a taste" of your food. My parents told me to not take food from strangers as a child and some how that crazy bit of paranoia stuck with me. Go figure. Also, you will not convince that your breakfast compost that smells like old grease taste good. I don't care how "organic" and healthy it is. I'll just pop a vitamin, thank you very much.

Coming when I feel like typing some more: Rule3- personal space and you- when to close will make me blow the rape whistle. 


  1. Please tell me these things happened?!

  2. yes ma'am they will be vividly ingrained in my psyche FOREVER