Monday, April 11, 2011

Why don't you kick Tiny Tim while you're at it

When I discuss my pregnancy with mothers (anyone's mother not just mine) they usually tell me how much they LOVED being pregnant. That it was the best time of their lives, they had all this energy and were happy all the time. I don't know if there is some kind of hormone that's released right after delivery that brain washes women or if they really did have a dream pregnancy, but either way I hate them.

It's just mean that after I've just told someone I spend 80% of my day with head in a toilet and the other 20% trying to get back to a toilet, that they never got sick during their pregnancy. WHY? Why would you say that? WHAT ON EARTH, makes you think that's okay to tell me? Why don't you walk up to Tiny Tim, kick his crutch out from underneath him (for me the fact that everyone goes through it, it's normal) and start telling him how running is "the most awesome thing ever". Why not walk up to Helen Keller, flick her in the nose, then tell her (sign her) how "nothing compares to a rainbow and she doesn't know what she's missing, that you can't die happy without seeing a rainbow".  You could even find a one armed man and challenge him to a patty cake competition, tell him to do the hokey pokey "Put both arms in and shake them all about  (I mean, it is what it's all about)".

Conversely, please don't regal me with horror stories of bad deliveries, yours, your friend's, or one you read about in the paper. I'm scared enough as it is, I don't need nightmares of 15 pound babies trying to climb out  through my nose after 3 days of labor with no epidural. I need to save my strength to do the hokey pokey, be flicked in the nose, and have my crutches kicked out from underneath me. 


  1. You are too funny!!!!!!!!!! there is nothing simple about child birth, caring or delivery
    good luck!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. i'm aware it's not going to be easy, but I feel like the whole process is a lot like war. You can read about it, watch movies about it, even get first hand accounts of it. But until you live it, it's just stories. And this story is about to happen to me.