Thursday, August 18, 2011

The toilet war

warning not for the squeamish, or easily annoyed at run on sentences and rambling. 

Yes, this how exciting my life is now, toilets.

The battle of the bladder 
BY: Corporal Random 

 I was consumed with an all encompassing rage at plumbing. The situation wasn't so dark last night, the enemy only made me uncomfortable. And I would have eventually worked up the nerve to call in reinforcements ( ask the neighbors to borrow their plunger (because surely I am the only one unprepared for a clog in the works (ha!).) Except that the neighbors seemed to be having a little domestic dispute (not in the "COPS"  TV show kind of way, but in the "you freaking didn't take out the garbage AGAIN", overflow (i'm so clever) of everyday irritations that had be piling up. ) and I wasn't going to interrupt that. So I went to bed with a fullish bladder safe in the knowledge that in the morning I'd go to a hardware store, buy a plunger and all would be well with the world, there was nothing more I could do tonight.

However, while I slept, IT plotted. It rallied and increased it's arsenal.  The mysterious toilet paper clog had some how gotten hold of cement, barbed wire, and super glue in the middle of the night (where I don't know, all useful stores where closed. I suspect fowl play, no seriously a bird must have flown it in over night from another town), and quite possibly land mines. Because the five dollar plunger I bought at 8 this morning was no match for it's mighty mutant strength. 

At first it toyed with me, tested my battle lines for weaknesses, the bowl cleared, I saw a light at the end of the pipe, but it was all a ruse. When I flushed, it took my hopes and threw them at my feet.....all over the floor. I had an overflow of emotion....and toilet things. I lost two towels, two good towels, in that initial skirmish, and a mop, but I kept the enemy at bay. Kept him from breaking the battle front and moving into the home front. 

I regrouped, resupplied, and tried to hold on to my breakfast. I spent another 30 minutes at the hardware store carefully reading drain cleaner's directions (the vast majority, apparently, aren't meant for use in toilets), I bought a $8 bottle of un-clogger and a $15 (yes that's FIFTEEN, with three f's) plunger, $15 for something I was going to purposefully stick in a toilet. But I was bringing in the big guns (o, I love old cliches, I'm very original), I would give no quarter (no I was gonna give what, $30 total?), show no mercy.  I was prepared, but La Toilet was more so. It overflowed again. and again. and I cried. And snapped at my boyfriend who called who was only trying to help. 

I tell you my friends, I lost faith in the world during those dark times.I had lost all hope. But I surged onward, it was the only direction left available to me. It was all I knew to do, there was nothing outside that tiny room (except two cats desperate to get in) And I tell you, you may not believe this, I barely believe it, that day (as in today) I won. I was the victor. I don't know how, I suppose fate was on my side,maybe lady luck took a shine to me, but I have never seen water so pristine, so clean, so beautiful as what came rushing into (and out of, the proper way)that bowel. 

And now due to my two new mops, a bottles of pine-sol and clorox, rubber gloves, and scalding hot water I have the cleanest bathroom in three counties. 

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