I'm still pregnant

I know there's still 12 days to my due date, but GET HIM OUT. I love my son and I want him to have the best which means having longer to incubate and gain weight, but Mommy really misses being mommy, not a kangaroo.

At this point I'm excited about getting an epidural, not because it will help relieve the pain of child birth  , but because I'll get a catheter and I won't have to spend 2/3 of my waking (and 9/10 of my sleeping) hours in the bathroom!!!! I swear our expenditures on toilet paper alone will cost almost the same as the actual delivery.

Also, I'll get to sleep on my belly and/or my back and/or my sides. IT DOESN"T MATTER! I can sleep whatever way I want (eventually and if I don't need a C-section, and it'll only be in like 10 min increments, but it'll still be on my stomach! ).

I won't be to paranoid to order a decaf pumpkin spice latte (It's the most WONderFUL time...of the yeearrr), I can drink a real one!

I won't have to wait on someone else's schedule to help me get the groceries up 4 flights of stairs (of course I'll need someone to watch the baby, but who doesn't love a baby(other than me previous to becoming with baby)!).

I didn't even notice you were pregnant

Really? You didn't notice the 25 lbs of moving belly? Did you think it was an awkwardly placed tumor? Or that I have a very prominent and engorged beer belly? Because I'm pretty sure I would have died of alcohol poising by now. I know I'm fat, but under normal circumstances I CAN see my feet and stand without wobbling, I even had the ability to bend at the waist and button my pants (most days, and just certain pairs others). How many cupcakes do you think my stomach can hold at a time? Cause this would be one hell of a food baby.

Having been fat my whole life, I'm normally very used to  comments like "you'd be pretty if you lost weight" and "It's weird how you still have a nice figure",  "I was shocked you were able to keep up in yoga/pilates/aerobics ", "You're not a diabetic?!? (noone's said that, but I bet they think it), but this "you don't even look pregnant" is really starting to piss me off. For pete's sake, it's the one time it's OK, that I'm gaining weight, IM SUPPOSED TO.

I'm pretty sure (well not usually, but given it's been a whole 30 minutes since someone's said something, I'm trying to sound like a good person) that they're trying to be nice, but um..........I'm two days short of 38 weeks, I KNOW I have to look something and I don't think it's just fat anymore.

Last month paranoia

Ok, so I'm pretty much just waddling around a lot and obsessing about the ridiculous now that I'm 9 months pregnant.

The latest way that I've convinced myself that I'm going to hurt my unborn son in the final moments comes from sending out thank you notes. How can thank you notes hurt my unborn child you may ask? He can't get a paper cut, he's protected by manner layers of tissue and blubber. Will he get carpel tunnel from writing so many? His writing skills aren't quit developed yet, so I'm doing all of that.

Nope, I'm pretty sure something bad will happen because I have consumed a large amount of paste while licking the backs of the envelopes. You would think that baby shower thank you notes would have a disclaimer to let you know that pregnant women shouldn't use them! What if my kid comes out with three arms now or an IQ of 5 because his mother became a paste eater!!!

Maybe he'll just be really into arts and crafts? With three arms he'd be really efficient at them.