Saturday, October 8, 2011

Pregnancy- the longest awkward moment

I know I say this a lot (maybe not here, but I do in the physical world), pregnancy is not a pastel Disney movie. It's a graphic National Geographic documentary, the kind where after each commercial break they have to post the "you seriously probably don't want to watch this" message. 

When you ask people about awkward moments in their lives, most involve things like "I got sick in front of everyone" or "I was talking to this really cute/important/random person and I accidentally pooted". Mine used to be "I was in class and I ripped my pants". Well, when you're pregnant these things happen all the time, ALL THE TIME. It happens so often that it becomes difficult to pick a specific time to give an example of when it happened, because it just becomes one giant 9 month horrifying blur. 

And then something happens in the 10th month (o yeah, you're really pregnant for 10 months not 9), one tends to lose (at least I have) all sense of reserve and dignity. You start using the medical terms that used to make you shudder in normal conversations, like they're totally acceptable topics.

The best way to make a non-pregnant person want to rip their ears out and make sure they don't sleep or eat for a week is to start incorporating the following terms:

Lochia- the 6 weeks of bleeding following the birth of the child

Mucus Plug- the barrier between your uterus and outside world.

Uterus-One must always use the term "womb" because it's a body part men don't have and therefore must be referred to by a sanitized moniker not it's clinical name. 

Placenta- the thing the baby is resting in. Tip to amp up the awkward factor: discuss the weird things people do with the placenta after it's delivered. i.e: Placenta reciepes, planting, family viewings. 

Colostrum-A think nutrient rich "milk" like substance that comes in before the milk

Hemroids/fissures/constipation/lack of constipation- bathroom talk is always an appropriate topic of conversation. 

Vaginal tearing- you can literally be ripped in half while delivering naturally, you should obsess about this verbally as often as possible. 

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