HAHAHAHAHA, this little boy and his father are trying to go somewhere. The little boy want's to ride in the car but the father want's to walk. A Loony Tunes reveres psychology moment ensues.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Why don't you kick Tiny Tim while you're at it
When I discuss my pregnancy with mothers (anyone's mother not just mine) they usually tell me how much they LOVED being pregnant. That it was the best time of their lives, they had all this energy and were happy all the time. I don't know if there is some kind of hormone that's released right after delivery that brain washes women or if they really did have a dream pregnancy, but either way I hate them.
It's just mean that after I've just told someone I spend 80% of my day with head in a toilet and the other 20% trying to get back to a toilet, that they never got sick during their pregnancy. WHY? Why would you say that? WHAT ON EARTH, makes you think that's okay to tell me? Why don't you walk up to Tiny Tim, kick his crutch out from underneath him (for me the fact that everyone goes through it, it's normal) and start telling him how running is "the most awesome thing ever". Why not walk up to Helen Keller, flick her in the nose, then tell her (sign her) how "nothing compares to a rainbow and she doesn't know what she's missing, that you can't die happy without seeing a rainbow". You could even find a one armed man and challenge him to a patty cake competition, tell him to do the hokey pokey "Put both arms in and shake them all about (I mean, it is what it's all about)".
Conversely, please don't regal me with horror stories of bad deliveries, yours, your friend's, or one you read about in the paper. I'm scared enough as it is, I don't need nightmares of 15 pound babies trying to climb out through my nose after 3 days of labor with no epidural. I need to save my strength to do the hokey pokey, be flicked in the nose, and have my crutches kicked out from underneath me.
It's just mean that after I've just told someone I spend 80% of my day with head in a toilet and the other 20% trying to get back to a toilet, that they never got sick during their pregnancy. WHY? Why would you say that? WHAT ON EARTH, makes you think that's okay to tell me? Why don't you walk up to Tiny Tim, kick his crutch out from underneath him (for me the fact that everyone goes through it, it's normal) and start telling him how running is "the most awesome thing ever". Why not walk up to Helen Keller, flick her in the nose, then tell her (sign her) how "nothing compares to a rainbow and she doesn't know what she's missing, that you can't die happy without seeing a rainbow". You could even find a one armed man and challenge him to a patty cake competition, tell him to do the hokey pokey "Put both arms in and shake them all about (I mean, it is what it's all about)".
Conversely, please don't regal me with horror stories of bad deliveries, yours, your friend's, or one you read about in the paper. I'm scared enough as it is, I don't need nightmares of 15 pound babies trying to climb out through my nose after 3 days of labor with no epidural. I need to save my strength to do the hokey pokey, be flicked in the nose, and have my crutches kicked out from underneath me.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
When I grow up (out)
There are several things I would like to do when I am obviously and heavily pregnant. They are
- Pretend it's a food baby (I was so hungry)
- Act oblivious and then offended when people ask how far along I am
- Tell people I'm 52 weeks when asked (elephants won't have nuthin on me!)
- Lose my emotional cool on someone and then act like it didn't happen
- Get stuck in an elevator and pretend to go into labor (I will have many many elevator rides)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Please note
Please note that I am for hire and will work for diapers.
Baby diapers, not adult diapers. I am potty trained. I may have left that off my resume, but it's important to make clear. Special skills- can pee pee in the potty.
Baby diapers, not adult diapers. I am potty trained. I may have left that off my resume, but it's important to make clear. Special skills- can pee pee in the potty.
Fruit Salad- yummy yummy
Not only is "fruit salad" a TERRIBLE HORRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE children's song (some of my younger cousins were IN LOVE with it, I can't eat it now) it's also what's been growing in my uterus.
I signed up to a website "BabyCenter" which gives you the progress your baby is making each week, like one week it grew hair and another week it grew a liver(I don't think it was in that order). It also gives you the approximate weight and length of your baby. However, and I find this odd, it gives you things to compare the size of your baby to, which is not the weird part, this is: it's always a fruit.
Like one week my baby was the size of a raisin, one week a blueberry or grape, this week it's a lime wedge. It even does it to my uterus. It went from being the size of a pear to the size of a grape fruit (at 11 weeks the baby was the size of a fig, next month it's an apple). If the baby would grow to the size of a yogurt container, I really could make a decent fruit salad.
It's not just this site that refers to baby's size by the "Kertzwig Fruit Scale" (the name I made up for it, I think "Kertzwig" sounds like a doctor's name that would spend time making a baby height fruit scale) it's every single baby book I've read and every single site I've visited, everyone is obsessed (I kept trying to type "obsessed" and it kept getting auto-corrected to "obese" I GET IT, computer) with fruity babies. Why are vegetables being left out huh? Or Hostess cake snacks? What's your angle National Fruit Growers Association?
Is it less offensive than having a home office in your belly? "Your baby this week is the size of a paper clip/stapler/coffee mug with cutesy inscription". Or how about art supplies? "Your baby this week is the size of a gum eraser/oil paint/bottle of turpentine". OH! How about house hold cleaning supplies? "Your baby this week is the size of a sponge/small liquid soap bottle/scrub brush".
Fruit salad (inspired by my little uterus usurper)
Feeds: up to 6 belly rubbers
Time: Should distract them long enough to make your escape or booby trap belly.
Mix together in Large bowl:
1/4 cup of raisins,
1/4 cup of blue berries
1/2 cup sliced grapes (what ever color, ultra sounds are in black and white. So it doesn't matter)
2 sliced, skinned and cored pears, chopped
1 grape fruit peeled and segmented
1 handful of chopped and seeded figs
1 apple peeled cored and chopped
Sprinkle all ingredients with 1/2 a lime to reduce browning of fruits
Add yogurt to taste
Serve and run away.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Prenatal Fitness class- the second day
As much as my thighs are burning/shaking/wobbling after class, my abs and arms are usually feeling pretty good. I was really surprised by all my upper body strength considering I usually can barely lift a loaf of bread over my head or sit up from laying down without a pulley-system, but then I figured it out: Mother Nature has been kicking my butt into shape, I've just been to exhausted to notice what was going on.
The constant morning sickness has whipped my abs into shape by doing what morning sickness does, tightening and releasing the ab muscles to get the end results, do this for 15-20 mins 5 times a day and in no time at all instant abs(this is not a post that is pro vomiting or bulimia, it's just something I've noticed)!
As for my arms. I'm constantly pushing myself up off the floor or out of bed. Pushing my boyfriend off of me or pushing away people's hands from my belly (seriously I don't rub random parts of your body, hands off mine!). Each of these works a different muscle group in the arm, so by the end of the day they've all been worked on and are starting to tone up nicely.
As to my thighs and legs, I haven't gotten to that part in my circuit training yet, but I figure that toward the end of the pregnancy I'll be so big that just to support my blossoming bulges I'll need the thighs of an Iron Man. And instead of doing squats down a track in the gym I'll have to do them to pick up anything since it looks like most pregnant women can't lean in any direction without capsizing.
I think by the end of this I might become a swimsuit model (I know).
The constant morning sickness has whipped my abs into shape by doing what morning sickness does, tightening and releasing the ab muscles to get the end results, do this for 15-20 mins 5 times a day and in no time at all instant abs(this is not a post that is pro vomiting or bulimia, it's just something I've noticed)!
As for my arms. I'm constantly pushing myself up off the floor or out of bed. Pushing my boyfriend off of me or pushing away people's hands from my belly (seriously I don't rub random parts of your body, hands off mine!). Each of these works a different muscle group in the arm, so by the end of the day they've all been worked on and are starting to tone up nicely.
As to my thighs and legs, I haven't gotten to that part in my circuit training yet, but I figure that toward the end of the pregnancy I'll be so big that just to support my blossoming bulges I'll need the thighs of an Iron Man. And instead of doing squats down a track in the gym I'll have to do them to pick up anything since it looks like most pregnant women can't lean in any direction without capsizing.
I think by the end of this I might become a swimsuit model (I know).
Monday, April 4, 2011
Hiking in the "high" country
The area I live in is known as the "high country" because it's....wait for it......in the mountains (if you'd like to get to the point skip down about 5 paragraphs, if you like rambling and have nothing else to do, continue reading)
(Geography lesson: North Carolina is segmented into three parts going from west to east "The high country" mountain region, "The foothills" Piedmont region (where I'm originally from, I traveled far), and "the coastal plains" or the beach/kind of.)
Sometimes I think the "high country" was named not because of it's geological constructs but because of the activities of about a 1/3 of it's population.
Exhibit A:
I went hiking with my boyfriend through a surprisingly flat 3 mile circuit around a lake in a shallow valley yesterday. It's an easy walk (I know I said Hike earlier but it was more of walk being there was no climbing or wrestling of foliage, but the alliteration sounded better with hike).
We saw the usuals on the path (meaning we recoginze the type not the person) the over exhausted family that's trying to make memories but who's children are probably still to young to remember the experience anyways, but will break into a cold sweet the rest of their lives at the site of a water bottle and will never know why. The old couple that leaves you in the dust no matter how fast you think you're going. The out of place people that would rather be watching a rerun of "Golden Girls" and realize this was a mistake half way through the trail (me). The serious enthusiast that's out there because he/she enjoys physical activity (my boyfriend), And once again. my arch nemesis, the hippies.
(I promise I'll get to the point sooner or later, if you're familiar with this page, you know it'll be later)
There are two types of hiking hippies you often come across, the " I went on a quick hike that lasted a month/don't eat your dollar trail mix eat my homemade homeopathic trail mix that cost $50 a pint /We should take care of our mother(earth)" type hippie, which will usually leave you alone unless you provoke them by using a plastic water bottle and then there's the "I came out here to "bong" with nature/I think dreads are natural and not out of place in a sterile environment/ let's all dance under the moon before replanting our souls" type hippies.
The second and more aggressive type hippie should be avoided at all cost when "hiking" an easy trail. They will invite you to their communion circle, other you some "natural substance" and try to find out the story of your life force, this type of hippie has been known to be contagious, so BE VERY careful, some people are immune to this infection and others are highly susceptible(Science has yet to find a diagnostic technique to determine the chances any one person has of sub-coming. Much like the drugs they may offer you, you don't know if the first time will put a hole in your brain or if you'll see funny colors, so best to stay away from it).
We were attacked by the second type of hippies on Sunday but, thanks to our quick thinking and cat like reflexes, (spoiler alert!) we were able to escape. As were walking along a particularly open stretch of trail with a beautiful bridge over a little brook, we saw them coming. They had already started across and we were to far along on the bridge to turn back.
We followed the rules at first, we filled our heads with thoughts of "McDonalds" and "Wal-Mart", natural hippie repellents. We stuck or water bottles out in front of us like a cross and we avoided eye contact while talking about Hummers. These were mutant hippies, stronger than most of their brethren. They made contact anyways.
Hippie- "Are you guys breeding yet?!" he yelled it even though he was less than 2 yards away at this point.
Me and my boyfriend- deafening silence as we try to figure out why he thinks were dog breeders, he had a dog with him, was this a proposition?
Hippie- "Have you two started breeding yet? We're (here we notice a second less hostile hippie) deciding what poeple should breed and which shouldn't. Have you to bred yet? "
Me and my boyfriend- STUNED silence, what out come do we want here? "Not Awkward" is no longer an option. Is this a "Green Day" reference? Is he calling us stupid?
Hippie- (continuing like there is nothing unusual about this conversation, like that we're not responding ) "You guys should defiantly bred, you're both beautiful people"
So this guy was insanely high right? I'm almost four months preganent so it's kind of starting to look like I'm "breeding" and I am not a pretty person, I'm funny, I'm smart, and I cook a mean pot roast but "beatiful" I am not. My boyfriend is more than above average, and I think most people think I'm his homely sister, so I understand some one wanting him to "go forth and multiple", but really? WHO THE FREAK SAYS THAT? See this, right here, is why I don't like hippies.
(Geography lesson: North Carolina is segmented into three parts going from west to east "The high country" mountain region, "The foothills" Piedmont region (where I'm originally from, I traveled far), and "the coastal plains" or the beach/kind of.)
Sometimes I think the "high country" was named not because of it's geological constructs but because of the activities of about a 1/3 of it's population.
Exhibit A:
I went hiking with my boyfriend through a surprisingly flat 3 mile circuit around a lake in a shallow valley yesterday. It's an easy walk (I know I said Hike earlier but it was more of walk being there was no climbing or wrestling of foliage, but the alliteration sounded better with hike).
We saw the usuals on the path (meaning we recoginze the type not the person) the over exhausted family that's trying to make memories but who's children are probably still to young to remember the experience anyways, but will break into a cold sweet the rest of their lives at the site of a water bottle and will never know why. The old couple that leaves you in the dust no matter how fast you think you're going. The out of place people that would rather be watching a rerun of "Golden Girls" and realize this was a mistake half way through the trail (me). The serious enthusiast that's out there because he/she enjoys physical activity (my boyfriend), And once again. my arch nemesis, the hippies.
(I promise I'll get to the point sooner or later, if you're familiar with this page, you know it'll be later)
There are two types of hiking hippies you often come across, the " I went on a quick hike that lasted a month/don't eat your dollar trail mix eat my homemade homeopathic trail mix that cost $50 a pint /We should take care of our mother(earth)" type hippie, which will usually leave you alone unless you provoke them by using a plastic water bottle and then there's the "I came out here to "bong" with nature/I think dreads are natural and not out of place in a sterile environment/ let's all dance under the moon before replanting our souls" type hippies.
The second and more aggressive type hippie should be avoided at all cost when "hiking" an easy trail. They will invite you to their communion circle, other you some "natural substance" and try to find out the story of your life force, this type of hippie has been known to be contagious, so BE VERY careful, some people are immune to this infection and others are highly susceptible(Science has yet to find a diagnostic technique to determine the chances any one person has of sub-coming. Much like the drugs they may offer you, you don't know if the first time will put a hole in your brain or if you'll see funny colors, so best to stay away from it).
We were attacked by the second type of hippies on Sunday but, thanks to our quick thinking and cat like reflexes, (spoiler alert!) we were able to escape. As were walking along a particularly open stretch of trail with a beautiful bridge over a little brook, we saw them coming. They had already started across and we were to far along on the bridge to turn back.
We followed the rules at first, we filled our heads with thoughts of "McDonalds" and "Wal-Mart", natural hippie repellents. We stuck or water bottles out in front of us like a cross and we avoided eye contact while talking about Hummers. These were mutant hippies, stronger than most of their brethren. They made contact anyways.
Hippie- "Are you guys breeding yet?!" he yelled it even though he was less than 2 yards away at this point.
Me and my boyfriend- deafening silence as we try to figure out why he thinks were dog breeders, he had a dog with him, was this a proposition?
Hippie- "Have you two started breeding yet? We're (here we notice a second less hostile hippie) deciding what poeple should breed and which shouldn't. Have you to bred yet? "
Me and my boyfriend- STUNED silence, what out come do we want here? "Not Awkward" is no longer an option. Is this a "Green Day" reference? Is he calling us stupid?
Hippie- (continuing like there is nothing unusual about this conversation, like that we're not responding ) "You guys should defiantly bred, you're both beautiful people"
So this guy was insanely high right? I'm almost four months preganent so it's kind of starting to look like I'm "breeding" and I am not a pretty person, I'm funny, I'm smart, and I cook a mean pot roast but "beatiful" I am not. My boyfriend is more than above average, and I think most people think I'm his homely sister, so I understand some one wanting him to "go forth and multiple", but really? WHO THE FREAK SAYS THAT? See this, right here, is why I don't like hippies.
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