Phrases that irritate me

COLD HARD CASH

That doesn't even make sense. Why is your cash both hard and cold? Did you drop it in the sink and then accidentally put it in the freezer (keys/remote control/tooth brush, all acceptable things to find in the freezer. Cash? NO). I understand if cash is just cold. It could be a really cold day out side, that would make anything cold. You could have been at the beach and put your money in a zip lock bag in the cooler to make sure the roided up tide didn't take it out to sea. But why WHY is it hard!?

What are you a drug runner or a bank robber? Are you trying to hide your loot from the police in the chopped frozen onions and your half empty bag of pot stickers? Cause guess what, that just makes your money sticky and smelly. And do you have ANY IDEA how dirty money is, I was a bank teller for a couple of months and believe me, you would not BELIEVE the crevices people pull their money out of. BLLLAICK (I just shuddered and jerk around like there was something on me just thinking about it). 

Or is just that your money is jaded and emotionally unstable? Is that why it's so cold and hard? Has it seen to much in its lifetime and is it now unable to connect emotionally to other bills? I mean, I'm sure money sees a lot, but for an inanimate object to be so disturbed, it would have to be pretty messed up. Was this particular stack only ever used on the black market? Were people mean to it? Did it's mother not love it enough when it was young and still a coin? 

People always talk about "cold hard cash" as being a good thing. I'd be mad if someone handed me a bunch of frozen emotionally unstable money as payment for something. Really? REALLY? You friggin bonehead, go thaw your money, send it to therapy and bring it back. Jerk. 

I realize that was one phrase (singular) and not two phrases (plural hence the "es" at the end of the word) but I'm really distracted by my deep hatred of this phrase so I'll do another one later and make it part of a series (series-also a plural word), but in all reality, probably not. 

Is it spelled with an O or a U or are we talking about the wrong person all together?

I had an urge for a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's at about 10:45 last night. On my way back from a my deep fried mission I received a text from my sister that said  "Are you watching the news?". Of course I'm not watching the news, I just drove ten minutes to get $4 fast food in the middle of the night, I needed a break from watching a marathon session of "Two and a half men"(I think the half refers to Charlie Sheen, not the kid as I originally thought).

So, my sister calls me and it turns out that Osama is dead. Ok, WOW, honestly I had stopped thinking about him. I figured he was old, reportedly on dialysis with Kidney problems and would probably go quietly into the night anyways. But, I'm relieved he's not a person to worry about anymore.  Although now, with the video of his violent death, I am worried about him becoming a martyr and his death fueling an increase in attacks world wide, but probably mostly targeted at the US. I also that it might have been poor phrasing for Obama to say "america can do anything it puts it's mind to", I just see that going out in places to people that hate us anyways as "america can do anything it wants to".

In lighter news, Fox News has once again decided to show how unbiased it is creating it's own spelling the recently deceased. Every other news outlet is reporting that "O"sama Bin Laden is dead, while Fox News is Reporting "U"sama Bin Laden is dead. Is Usama Osama's Doppleganger(a doppleganger is your evil twin, someone that looks just like you except for one tiny difference, of course in this case Osama is Usama's doppleganger, because I would like to think that Osama would be the eviler of the two).

Of course it could be that they meant to spell it Obama instead of Osama, maybe it was a mistaken "S" for "b". They did report that "President Obama is dead" as a result of US forces. That report didn't seem to match up with the cheering crowds gather around the world. Anyways here are videos of the crowd ralying around the Chancellor at my college and one of the reporter announcing that the wrong person is dead, I think it'll be pretty clear which video is which.

Also, I would like to apology for the language, I don't know the poeple that posted this video (I got both from YouTube), so if you are affended by poor language just skip this next one. I do however like that it shows the sheer mass of people and the emotion of the moment. Most of us were somewhere between 4th and 8th grade when 9/11 happened and the World Trade Centers collapsed. I remember watching it in Ms. Coe's English Class.

"It's Natural" is a crock of crap

Some people shouldn't watch delivery videos. For those of us that are visual learners, you would think this would be the best way to prepare, but it's not. For all my whining about how horrible horror movies are and the toll they take on my psyche, one would think I would know better. But I don't.

Most of the advice given to a pregnant woman who's  worried she's doing something wrong (and this may just be so she(me) doesn't make 500 million mundane calls to the doctor's office everyday) is to trust your body. Well, my body won't let me bend and rotate so it can see itself being torn in half.

I don't think we're supposed to see what's happening between our legs during the big push, if we were we would have been built without a spine or with mirrors on our feet. There's to much gore and violence for our already weary, aching bodies. The nine month payoff is not the witnessing of all that horror, that's why you need someone else to watch your baby come out. Seriously doctors study for YEARS to be able to sleep after witnessing all of that.

If anyone else is expecting and reading this, sorry if I freaked you out, but that was the worst thing I've ever seen, I don't know why I think I can watch stuff like that.

And DON'T TELL ME it's beautiful and natural and we we're "made to handle it" because that's the dumbest argument I've ever heard. We can handle and recover from broken bones, collapsed lungs and all kinds of diseases. Oil spills (and you know oil alone)  are natural (maybe not when certain gas companies are negligent, but sometimes it bubbles up on it's own). Arsenic  is natural. Lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!) are built to rip us to shreds, but I don't go out and chase them.  Natural is a crock of crap.

Fruit Salad- yummy yummy

Not only is "fruit salad" a TERRIBLE HORRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE children's song (some of my younger cousins were IN LOVE with it, I can't eat it now) it's also what's been growing in my uterus.

I signed up to a website "BabyCenter" which gives you the progress your baby is making each week, like one week it grew hair and another week it grew a liver(I don't think it was in that order). It also gives you the approximate weight and length of your baby. However, and I find this odd, it gives you things to compare the size of your baby to, which is not the weird part, this is: it's always a fruit.

Like one week my baby was the size of a raisin, one week a blueberry or grape, this week it's a lime wedge. It even does it to my uterus. It went from being the size of a pear to the size of a grape fruit (at 11 weeks the baby was the size of a fig, next month it's an apple). If the baby would grow to the size of a yogurt container, I really could make a decent fruit salad.

It's not just this site that refers to baby's size by the "Kertzwig Fruit Scale" (the name I made up for it, I think "Kertzwig" sounds like a doctor's name that would spend time making a baby height fruit scale) it's every single baby book I've read and every single site I've visited, everyone is obsessed (I kept trying to type "obsessed" and it kept getting auto-corrected to "obese" I GET IT, computer)  with fruity babies. Why are vegetables being left out huh? Or Hostess cake snacks? What's your angle National Fruit Growers Association?

Is it less offensive than having a home office in your belly? "Your baby this week is the size of a paper clip/stapler/coffee mug with cutesy inscription".  Or how about art supplies? "Your baby this week is the size of a gum eraser/oil paint/bottle of turpentine". OH! How about house hold cleaning supplies? "Your baby this week is the size of a sponge/small liquid soap bottle/scrub brush".


Fruit salad (inspired by my little uterus usurper)
Feeds: up to 6 belly rubbers
Time: Should distract them long enough to make your escape or booby trap belly.

Mix together in Large bowl:

1/4 cup of raisins,
1/4 cup of blue berries 
1/2 cup sliced grapes (what ever color, ultra sounds are in black and white. So it doesn't matter)
2 sliced, skinned and cored pears, chopped
1 grape fruit peeled and segmented
1 handful of chopped and seeded figs
1 apple peeled cored and chopped
Sprinkle all ingredients with 1/2 a lime to reduce browning of fruits
Add yogurt to taste

Serve and run away.

Are You Ready to Ruuummmmmmmmmmmble?!?!?!

You better be, because if it snows ONE MORE TIME clouds I will be coming up there and we will be having a few "choice" words.

And by choice words I mean there will be a smack down the likes of which the public has NEVER seen. I see you guys sitting up there, all smug and out of reach, dressed in your chic winter grays. Feeling all safe and superior because I'd have to take a plane to reach you (I'm sure you've seen me before, up there, hanging out, I'm the one screaming bloody murder and giggling like a toddler. Remember I do sky dive, so the only thing between us and this approach to punching your crystals out is $300 and a pregnancy), but I believe you may have forgotten a less dramatic approach. A little thing I (and the rest of the English speaking world) like to call fog, yep that's right, you forgot about when you occasionally get knocked off your high horse by a front and have to spend some time on earth with the rest of us.

Keep in mind that when you have to lower yourself to our standards again, I will be waiting. Planning. Lurking in the shadows ready to TAKE YOU GUYS OUT, if it snows inappropriately one more time. April, is not the time for blizzards, snow showers, dustings, or even flurries.So cut it out. I realize that this is a transition month, so I understand that there will still be cold days, cold wind, heavy frost and really really cold rain BUT NOT snow, and/or freezing rain/drizzle.

That time has past, I know change is hard on you and you've enjoyed getting such a great work out this winter flexing your ice hard storm muscles. But it's time to move on with your annual cycle.  you have some summer favorites too don't forget. Now you get to make thunder storms!! They're so much more versatile than yucky old snow storms. Before you just got to make on thing in varying forms, you had cold and colder. NOW you get rain and lightening AND thunder. You can even take days off and have people admire your beautiful bellowing nimbuses and provide people with shade, they'll thank you and love you for it.

Pregnancy typos

I've always been told that pregnant women glow, that with all the hormones in their bodies and the knowledge that they're creating a life inside their bellies it causes women to beam with beautiful flawless skin and shiny silky hair not even a Loreal commercial can fake.

I think though, having done quite a bit of research lately, that people have simply been miss typing the word "glow", and this has lent credence to an urban legend about pregnant women and their fabulous outer appearance. What they really have meant to say is that pregnant women have this certain "glower".

There are a multitude of things I find distasteful and offensive as of late and these things will certain cause me to have an unmistakable GLOWER that cannot go unnoticed.

 I GLOWER at people drinking coffee (I do not GLOW at them, I give them the evil eye and hope they can't sleep tonight from caffeine over load).

 I GLOWER at other preggos that are more pregnant than me but still have a smaller waist measurement (CELINA).

I GLOWER at my jeans that I SWEAR fit yesterday but I can't button today.

I GLOWER at people that are not pregnant.

I GLOWER at people that look at me the wrong way (YES my face is broken out and I look like I have a rare skin disease and pre-baby my skin was  the only thing I could count on to look good and YES this shirt looks like a mu mu but you can't tell my pants are unzipped and I have to wear a beband with them).

In conclusion I GLOWER I don't GLOW and I'm going to start a "Glower Awareness Campaign" to stop the proliferation of  this stupid myth. 

Why is a dentist like a haridresser?

Me: Did you just curl your hair?

Sister: Yep

Me: Arn't you going to get your hair cut? Why would you spend an hour doing your hair?

Sister: It's like brushing you teeth before going to the dentist

Me: No, brushing you're hair before going to get it done, is like brushing your teeth for the dentist. Curling your hair is like capping your own teeth (I really said it's like doing a flouride rinse, but I like capping your own teeth better),

Sister: Walks off and tolls her eyes at my dissheveled bed head

100 ways ( or like 17,a 100 would take a lot of effort) to fill your day without actually accomplishing anything

1) Turn the dryer to fluff( even though the clothes are already dried, taking them out and putting them away is a lot of effort, but if it's on fluff, it sounds like you're being productive without really moving forward.)

2) Google jobs in the area but dont apply for them because your resume is saved on a computer two hours away(of course when there are finally jobs listed, I don't have a resume to apply with)

3) Let the dog out to bark at the wind,

4) Let the dog in because it is scared of the wind

5) Let the dog out because it forgot it's scared of the wind

6) Repeat activites 3-5 500 more times

7) Apply to be on TV shows that invovle the winning or recieving of goods/cash

8) Text people with every golden nugget that pops in your mind, you're not busy, so they arn't either

9) Take a nap where you're kind of asleep but not really, so you "wake up" and don't feel anymore rested than when you layed down

10) Go to the bathroom every 30 minutes, worked in school works in life

11)Make a list that dosen't really have a reason for existing

12) Put list on site that is no longer making you money because Google is evil and is like the mafia, it takes it tribute rather you want to give it or not (I watched Goodfella's last night).

13) Stack the dishes by the Kitchen sink but don't actually get around to washing them, it would ruin all your efforts of filling your day without accomplishing anything.

14) Turn laundry back on fluff, you forgot it and it's not all warm and awesome anymore

15) See step 6 again

16) Harass people to see if they've read your lastest post

17) Eat a dinner consisting of Honey Buns and Sour Cream and Onion Chips

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