I started a new blog, adventures in napping, It's located at http://wuwn.blogspot.com/

The "Mommy hates to clean" song

Sung to the tune of "Bringing in the sheaves" (southern baptist style, up beat tempo)

Mommy hates to clean, mommy hates to clean,
yes mommy hates to clean it makes her want to scream

She's mad she doing dishes it's the
7th time at least and it's still just 8:15
The laundry's to the ceiling, I have to change the sheets
Something really stinks, I think it's in the sink,
another freaking pipe burst are you kidding me?
Now I'll mop the floor , 5th time in five days,
Call me Cinderella at least she had some help

Mommy hates to clean, mommy hates to clean,
yes mommy hates to clean it makes her want to scream

Hey look at me, blogging like a big girl!

I'm back! I had a baby (and not just A baby, but the most beautiful/smart/funny/kind/smart/beautiful baby in the world (no bias))! He was born 4 months ago on October 13, 2010 (three days late, at 9 lbs 1 oz, 22 inches long),It was thankfully not a Friday. You know how most babies come up looking like something between Yoda and Rip Van Winkle (after the 100 year nap)? My son looked like he was born at one month, no scrunched up wrinkly old man face, no sleeping 99.9% of the day for my little man. He's been wiggling and smiling from the get go.   I still look pregnant thanks to my lack of commitment to dieting and the series of unfortunate but nothing that bad events following my beautiful, smart, funny, strong, son's birth.

I had an emergency c-section thanks to an ill timed bladder infection while I was starting my "baby's coming contractions", then my poor little boy got an UTI and had to spend the week in the hospital getting poked my nurses and needles. Then  like two weeks later I got a blood clot from my c-section. Then we had a brief relief period during the holidays and now (I hope) we're wrapping up this bag of bad with the lingering cold from Hell. seriously, I haven't been able to breath for like 3 weeks, I sound (and look) like an extra from "The walking dead" (i'm so purrrrrrrtey).

I'm still unemployed.

I'm so FREAKING happy, I love my son and how smart he is. He can roll tummy to back and back to tummy to get to the places he wants to go, he know what "up", "baba", "daddy" and "mommy" mean, he recognizes favorite toys, plays "fruit ninja" on kinect with me (he swats hard core at a toy owl on his bouncy chair and swat at the air), and he tries to convince me he's not tired before naps and bedtime by "talking" to me until he falls asleep. My smart boy. 

Pregnancy- the longest awkward moment

I know I say this a lot (maybe not here, but I do in the physical world), pregnancy is not a pastel Disney movie. It's a graphic National Geographic documentary, the kind where after each commercial break they have to post the "you seriously probably don't want to watch this" message. 

When you ask people about awkward moments in their lives, most involve things like "I got sick in front of everyone" or "I was talking to this really cute/important/random person and I accidentally pooted". Mine used to be "I was in class and I ripped my pants". Well, when you're pregnant these things happen all the time, ALL THE TIME. It happens so often that it becomes difficult to pick a specific time to give an example of when it happened, because it just becomes one giant 9 month horrifying blur. 

And then something happens in the 10th month (o yeah, you're really pregnant for 10 months not 9), one tends to lose (at least I have) all sense of reserve and dignity. You start using the medical terms that used to make you shudder in normal conversations, like they're totally acceptable topics.

The best way to make a non-pregnant person want to rip their ears out and make sure they don't sleep or eat for a week is to start incorporating the following terms:

Lochia- the 6 weeks of bleeding following the birth of the child

Mucus Plug- the barrier between your uterus and outside world.

Uterus-One must always use the term "womb" because it's a body part men don't have and therefore must be referred to by a sanitized moniker not it's clinical name. 

Placenta- the thing the baby is resting in. Tip to amp up the awkward factor: discuss the weird things people do with the placenta after it's delivered. i.e: Placenta reciepes, planting, family viewings. 

Colostrum-A think nutrient rich "milk" like substance that comes in before the milk

Hemroids/fissures/constipation/lack of constipation- bathroom talk is always an appropriate topic of conversation. 

Vaginal tearing- you can literally be ripped in half while delivering naturally, you should obsess about this verbally as often as possible. 

Yup, he's still in there

I've been contracting for what 2-3 weeks, years? I was dilated a centimeter two weeks ago, no movement in that area, I've staled out. My heart burn has increased, I'm only tired when it's inconvenient, like during the day, I can't stand to be within 2 feet of anyone.

I've been to the hospital twice in the past 6 days, once because I thought my water broke (it didn't and I did NOT pee my pants) and another time because I fell, I didn't hit hard and we're both fine (but even that didn't jiggle him out).

I can focus on one task for about 30 seconds, hence such a block and inconsistent post.

It's a good time. 

I'm still pregnant

I know there's still 12 days to my due date, but GET HIM OUT. I love my son and I want him to have the best which means having longer to incubate and gain weight, but Mommy really misses being mommy, not a kangaroo.

At this point I'm excited about getting an epidural, not because it will help relieve the pain of child birth  , but because I'll get a catheter and I won't have to spend 2/3 of my waking (and 9/10 of my sleeping) hours in the bathroom!!!! I swear our expenditures on toilet paper alone will cost almost the same as the actual delivery.

Also, I'll get to sleep on my belly and/or my back and/or my sides. IT DOESN"T MATTER! I can sleep whatever way I want (eventually and if I don't need a C-section, and it'll only be in like 10 min increments, but it'll still be on my stomach! ).

I won't be to paranoid to order a decaf pumpkin spice latte (It's the most WONderFUL time...of the yeearrr), I can drink a real one!

I won't have to wait on someone else's schedule to help me get the groceries up 4 flights of stairs (of course I'll need someone to watch the baby, but who doesn't love a baby(other than me previous to becoming with baby)!).

I didn't even notice you were pregnant

Really? You didn't notice the 25 lbs of moving belly? Did you think it was an awkwardly placed tumor? Or that I have a very prominent and engorged beer belly? Because I'm pretty sure I would have died of alcohol poising by now. I know I'm fat, but under normal circumstances I CAN see my feet and stand without wobbling, I even had the ability to bend at the waist and button my pants (most days, and just certain pairs others). How many cupcakes do you think my stomach can hold at a time? Cause this would be one hell of a food baby.

Having been fat my whole life, I'm normally very used to  comments like "you'd be pretty if you lost weight" and "It's weird how you still have a nice figure",  "I was shocked you were able to keep up in yoga/pilates/aerobics ", "You're not a diabetic?!? (noone's said that, but I bet they think it), but this "you don't even look pregnant" is really starting to piss me off. For pete's sake, it's the one time it's OK, that I'm gaining weight, IM SUPPOSED TO.

I'm pretty sure (well not usually, but given it's been a whole 30 minutes since someone's said something, I'm trying to sound like a good person) that they're trying to be nice, but um..........I'm two days short of 38 weeks, I KNOW I have to look something and I don't think it's just fat anymore.